Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Negativity

Someone recently commented that I've been quite negative on my blog lately, something I'm afraid I didn't notice.  That's the problem with reality; perception is such a mitigating factor.  Was I being negative and just didn't notice it, or was I not being negative and this someone perceived something that wasn't there?

Hmm.  Even that does sound rather negative.  A shame, because it only gets more negative here on in...

Ugh.  Canada probably isn't going to work out just yet.  If the past month is any indicator, it probably never will.  Thailand might work; someone has offered to help me get back into the visa loop.  Or I could go back to Sri Lanka as originally planned - still have a visa there until October.  Thought about going to a monastery in Florida, but there's either the issue of getting along with monks from other traditions or the issue of living with monks who don't try to keep all the monk rules (e.g. that food not given cannot be eaten - makes eating a bit difficult in such circumstances).

Adapt, adapt, adapt... everywhere I turn that seems to be the mantra.  Starting to see how stiff and unbending I really am.  But where do you draw the line?  I find it very difficult to believe, first of all, that the correct way would be to intentionally break any of the monastic rules, something that I was just informed by a Buddhist monk is the correct response in this situation.  I don't get that.  None of the monastic rules are difficult to keep, provided there is an intention to keep them.  The only difficulty I've had in keeping rules is when amongst monks who have decided not to keep them.

But I guess this isn't just about breaking rules... it seems to be also about fitting in with society, playing politics, etc.  Letting one's actions be dictated by other people... something seems terribly wrong with that; maybe that's where I've gone wrong.  Compromise.  There is something to that word.  I'm afraid I know so little about inter-personal relations that I wouldn't know where to begin compromising.  I think I've tried...  but every time I think I'm compromising, it turns out I'm actually being a pompous ass, or something equally uncompromising.

Anyway, I have a head cold, so this probably isn't the best time to be trying to do self-psychoanalysis.  Still have six days to figure it out.  May there be peace on Earth.