Before my last post garners any more response, I thought I'd clear it up a little...
My purpose in writing is not to whine, just to explain. Please don't write to me offering constructive criticism on how to improve my relationship with cultural Buddhism. It's a dysfunctional relationship that will never be repaired. I have resolved myself to starting a monastery of my own, it's not a dismal or hopeless situation for me, just one that many Westerners have come to in their search for a Buddhist path that does not make them a perpetual guest in someone else's home. Again, I am writing, not to vent, but to explain. I think I'm ill-suited to the task, as my explanations have fallen on deaf ears for months. I can only guess that it takes a monastic to understand the situation even generally.
And I'm not going to kill myself... at least not the physical self. Killing the mental self, though, is a very good thing, something I recommend to all my students, and in fact everyone. And please, no wisecracks about how my problem is that I still haven't killed my idea of self. If that be so, I should be congratulated on my effort to find a suitable place to do so.
So, unless you are a monk, please don't even try to offer advice - I don't really feel the need for it anyway. If, on the other hand, you have a place for me to stay the rains, I'm all ears.